


Feelings

by Spooky66



Series: Prompts [13]
Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, F/M, prompts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:34:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9807443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spooky66/pseuds/Spooky66
Summary: Based on:“You’re so determined to protect yourself and your feelings, but what about me?”“Jesus, you’re acting like you don’t even want to touch me!”





	

Tonight had been great. More than great, it had been magical. We’d had the best sex I’d had in my life. I’d always had a feeling Mulder would be great in bed. Those fingers, those lips … God, just everything about him. I was right, he was amazing. It wasn't just great sex. It was tender, romantic. That’s why I felt like I was outside my body, watching myself as I gathered my things and left. I glanced at him one last time before I snuck back to my hotel room.  
Melissa’s funeral had been a nightmare. My mother hugged me without a word before she walked away and Bill had refused to even look at me. Charlie gave me a kiss on the cheek and a sympathetic smile, he even shook Mulder’s hand. But he was quieter than I'd ever seen him and the quiet had been directed at me.  
Mulder stayed by my side the entire funeral. He’d held my hand as Melissa’s ashes were scattered into the wind. The ceremony was three hours from D.C. so we’d booked a hotel to avoid driving back.   
When we arrived I told him I wanted to be alone, but snuck over to the bar across the street. I was dying for a drink, or two.

After I ordered my third Mulder showed up. He didn’t explain how he knew where I was but took me back to his room, and I sobbed in his arms for about an hour before kissing him.  
I remember him telling me it was a bad idea, but giving in when I persisted. We made love until I stopped crying, and then he told me he loved me. When I didn’t know how to respond he just held me, until I left him like he was a shameful one-night stand.

The next morning we met in the lobby and didn’t discuss it. Not then, not over the next few weeks. It wasn’t until the case of Patrick Modell that things began to change. 

After we left a comatose Modell in his hospital bed we left the building in silence. Mulder seemed contemplative and bothered. The case had been tough on him and I was at a loss at how to proceed, how to comfort him. We sat quietly until Mulder spoke up. His voice was quiet, small.

“Scully, are we ever going to talk about what happened after Melissa’s funeral?” He sounded like he was in pain, and when his eyes finally met mine I saw it all over his face.  
I didn’t know what to expect but seeing all that hurt, that grief. I just stared at him, mouth open.  
Shaking his head he looked away, kept his eyes forward, “I just…we could’ve died today, Scully. I need to know--God--I need to know what that night was.”

I racked my brain trying to think of an answer.

We were close to my apartment and I wondered, briefly, if I could wait him out.   
He pulled into a spot across the street and gripped the wheel tightly, squeezed his eyes shut.

“Scully, I know that was an impossible night. You were grieving and I knew that. I knew the entire time, but I can’t go on not talking about it. You’ve been acting weird and I’ve felt awkward and we need to discuss it.”

The car was silent for another moment.  
“I don’t know what you want me to say, Mulder.” 

I looked down at my hands that sat twisted in my lap while Mulder reached his hand out, went to touch my face. When I flinched he jerked back, curled his hand into a fist before punching the steering wheel, 

“Jesus, you’re acting like you don’t even want to touch me!” 

I jumped in my seat then, stared at him.

“Damn it, Mulder! I...I don’t know! That's the truth here! I don't know. I had some drinks, I was emotional and you were kind. You were so good to me, but I don’t want to sit here and analyze it!”

Mulder raked his hands down his face,   
“I wasn’t sure I’d ever bring it up. I mean, I really tried to convince myself we didn’t need to discuss it but I can’t do it, Scully. We almost died!”

“Yes, and it was traumatic! But what does that have to do with anything?” 

“I can’t die without knowing-“ He stopped abruptly. ”Fuck. You know what, Scully? Never mind! Just forget I brought it up.”

I gaped at him, “Seriously, Mulder? You bring this up and then just tell me to forget it? You think it was awkward before, now you decide to make it more awkward?!”

“You’re so determined to protect yourself and your feelings, but what about me? I gave you time, Scully but this is killing me! You have to know that!” He looked out the window, let out a sigh that broke my heart.

We sat in silence for another minute before I reached over, took his hand. He didn't move a muscle.

“Mulder… Mulder, look at me,” I urged.  
He looked at me with glassy eyes and an unreadable expression.

Reaching over I cupped his face, stroked his cheek with my thumb.

“I’m sorry. I’m bad at this, Mulder. What I told you was the truth. I don’t know, I’m scared and in pain and everything’s so clouded together, I can’t feel anything else. Since Missy died I haven’t been able to sleep. My family doesn’t speak to me and you... you’re the only one I have.” I sighed, looking away from his intense gaze, “When I thought you were dead, I-“ My voice cracked.   
It was something I had done my best not to think about. It had been too painful to even comprehend so I locked it away. As I talked I felt the tide of emotions threaten to overwhelm me.  
I shook my head to focus myself, “All that I know is when I thought you were dead, I wanted to die, too. I wasn’t sure how I would go on so I gathered up all those feelings and hid them away because it was all too painful to deal with.”   
I looked back up at him as tears slid down my cheeks. “I can’t handle loving you, Mulder. It will hurt too much.” 

He took my face in his hands and kissed me softly. It was so sweet and chaste that it brought on a new wave of tears.   
My heart broke as he pulled away and all I wanted was to kiss him again as he rested his forehead on mine, “We’re in this together, Scully. It’s going to hurt no matter what. Life hurts. You can’t just hide yourself away from all the pain. That’s not real life that’s just a cheap copy. Yes, there's pain, but there’s plenty of other good things, too.”   
He kissed me tenderly again, “Let me show you some of those.”


End file.
